For the first time in...

For the first time in the history of this column, Iò€™m shamelessly inventing and promoting a conspiracy theory. It goes like this: the Government is sabotaging the roads and deliberately causing traffic congestion.

And when our leaders in Westminster canò€™t play a direct and controlling role in creating such mayhem ò€“ as they canò€™t disrupt all roads at all times ò€“ they act as helpful, if cynical, facilitators who enable small-time councils to introduce pandemonium on the streets of their cities, towns and villages. Why would the Government do such a thing? For financial gain.

In an ideal, money-no-object Britain, the best way to protect homes from road traffic noise, appease the ecomentalists and serve motorists would be to build a discreet, underground network of free-flowing roads where the car would be out of sight ò€“ just like below-ground trains in cities like London and Newcastle.

But the Government would need to spend trillions providing such a ò€˜tubeò€™ network for cars and other road vehicles. And as itò€™s been blowing our money on things like Middle East wars, public transport subsidies and Prescottò€™s pies, itò€™s barely got enough cash left to fill the potholes, let alone anything else. So we languish above ground, often on roads that have changed little in size or quality since the days of the horse and cart.

The current, desperate-for-cash administration has done its sums and worked out that rubbish roads for cars, vans and trucks mean more cash for politicians.

I recently embarked on a sub-40-mile evening drive from the centre of London to a small city thatò€™s traditionally been ò€˜an hour or soò€™ down the road. Itò€™s a journey Iò€™ve done 1,000 times before, so I know just about every short cut, rat run and traffic hot spot.

The trip takes in busy city highways, B-roads, A-roads, a bit of motorway and, finally, some quieter city streets. In the past, Iò€™ve comfortably achieved an average speed of 40mph-plus. The other week, I did 12mph ò€“ even though the weather was OK and there were no accidents or road closures en route. After managing only 36 miles in three hours, I had to stop in the interests of safety (I needed a rest), sanity (I was going slightly mad) and energy (I needed more fuel).

What does the Government care? Iò€™m one of those awkward car owners, not a cuddly cyclist, a high-spending bus or taxi user or a tame train spotter, all of whom enjoy their own, dedicated routes. Being an anti-motorist party, Labour isnò€™t likely to get the vote of a pro-car citizen like me (mind you, I honestly canò€™t identify ANY party that would receive my support). And with that in mind, Iò€™ll just have to put up with sub-40-mile journeys taking three hours, wonò€™t I?

As long as I accept that, the Government wonò€™t have to provide better, faster roads and will feel good about its ò€˜speed killsò€™ obsession as the driver doing an average 12mph is rarely reaching the limit, never mind exceeding it.

But best of all if youò€™re in Government is this: The sabotage of the road network that then forces drivers to do lower and lower average speeds also means those same drivers buy more gallons ò€“ as crawling, stop-start traffic results in the worst possible economy. And guess whoò€™s the main beneficiary of the resulting increased expenditure at the pumps? The Government, which makes a gross profit of around Ò£70 every time we spend Ò£100 on fuel! Simple.